Yes...yet again...near heartache has come. Conflicts of two hearts...but yet again, I do believe fate has dealt me a good hand. And I do appreciate it....but at the same time, I feel bad for the one who lost this duel...her heartache is caused because of my own actions I would guess....I know not...but as it stands, it's passed...and I am happy...for once...I am alone...and I am truly happy at this moment of loneliness. Yet...I have merely an hour before I have to call my...Goddess....tears fall from my eyes tonight.....but no one in this house will ever know...

They shall never intrude my quiet place....

I cherish these moments of mixed emotions....many people despise them. But to know that you're alive...by feeling so many of these swells....it reminds me of the childlike innocence I lost so long ago...I miss it....

But alas....I'm withered....and now I must depart for the night...

And a good night to you all...my blessings, and my wishes.

The night has come again, and for the few hours the sun is down, I am at peace with myself. The young boy has arisen and is quite content at the moment, yet thoughts still plague his mind.

What is a thought...

A momentary image of the mind's "eye"?

Or a sentence that runs through, then appears into the soul....

Thoughts are what bind our existence together. If thinking never occurred, would anything ever get done....? I guess that's what makes life spontaneous...but do I really want to think anymore? Thoughts lead to emotion...emotion leads to pain and pleasure....

The only thing that defines sensation between pain and pleasure is to whether we like it or not....

Pain can be enjoyable....if you think it'll hurt, then it'll hurt....but if you truly believe that it will feel good...then it will feel good....

It takes a strong sense of mind and body to be able to accomplish this....I found my way through meditation. A third person view onto the world. As if you were a God....or Goddess, depending on the gender...looking down at the chess board of life...watching the hard working pawns...the gold digging queens...the rich pompous kings....the honorable knights...the religious bishops...and the hidden away rooks....you watch as they make their moves. Not having a say so at the time...not wanting to say anything...but for those moments...it seems like forever....and you are left....doing nothing but watching.

Is it a bad thing...?

Not at all...the ones considered derranged in this world are the most sane I have ever met. They always have such interesting qualities....better views...but because of "society"...they are locked away and called crazy...

Are humans really so weak that they would lock away a man for having a change for the better on life? Are they really that scared....? Fear can drive even the strongest willed man to his knees....to tears...or to his grave.

Sorrow can do the same....

Well....as it stands, I have work to do before 5:30....I guess I bid you all a good night.

Daytime...again...the sun is high in the sky and the snow has finally melted. There's nothing but a new world....or so it would seem. The water from the snow cleansed the ground, leaving it somewhat new and revived. The music of the day sickens me whilst I await for the night to arrive...to bring me solace once again. Serenity I yearn for....

The stars normally bring about a cruel feeling inside...

I envy them at times. To be so simple looking, yet to be so vast and beautiful...why am I forced to live in a hideous body? The human race sickens me....and even as blood runs betwixt my fingers...I yearn to be different. I wish that I was...that I didn't look like this...but human nature has brought about attraction of some sort for another. A goddess on this earth...but it is not her physical form that I am staring at and yearning for so much....it's her soul...as that will be the only thing we shall have in the next life....or lives, rather.

So the young boy is awake now...back to the horrid living of the conscious mind. He wants so much, but has so little due to his own simple problems. The flowers that blossom in spring could be used to describe one such as he....as they stay dormant for so long...yet they never die, and are only brought to life when the spring comes around....when the goddess comes....

Alive....

I am alive....and I'm not sure if it's what I want. But it seems I please other people by living this life. So nonchalant at times, but underneath it all, I find myself caring about certain people more than I even know. So I try to find the will to arise in the morning and bring myself to stare humankind down....

And now I'm going to once again disappear for a while...for those reading, I bid you a good day....

Sitting here alone isn't all that much of what I would call a useful night. So....I figured I'd come back for a bit and spread a bit of some of the things that have been on this twisted mass of my mind...

What is this thing we call life....? A place where the "good" people are seen as those with a good providing family. The type of "people" who are worried about whether or not their boyfriend will call them tonight....

And then...

There are the people such as myself....who wonder what their purpose is....if they even have a purpose....what am I? An existence? Another thread of fate in the beautifully cruel woven blanket of destiny....? How am I different....? Why do the stares of others haunt my dreams? Why do I haunt my own dreams...

"Look inside yourself, you'll find the answers you seek..."

Something someone told me....I found some of them, but I'm currently in the process of gathering my energy to take another trip into the fathomless depths of my human mind. I get lost in myself at time...indulgence in one's own thoughts....I suppose it's another road to take through spiritual growth....but it still doesn't answer the main question....

What is life....

What is the meaning of it all....

How did it come to be and why does it still continue to push on...

These questions I can't answer....no one probably could to satisfy a mind such as mine....but is it my mind asking the questions, or my soul? My thirst for knowledge....

Why do I feel pain....

Why do I inflict it on myself....

The answer is simple....I enjoy it. Almost to the point where my blade is my salvation....

"Scars make you beautiful...."

They do...at times....they tell a story...each more tragic and dramatic than the last....the scars get worse and worse the further you look into them...the tissue is damaged beyond repair....but maybe that's the way it should be....as a reminder of this pain....this....anguish. But is it really as bad as I make it out to be...? Perhaps you all may find out one day....one day....

I'm going to take absence of my conscious mind for a while....have a nice night...the cold hand of slumber beckons me....good night....

Good evening to those who are here. And a good evening to those who have taken absence of the computer. I do hope that you all have had a nice night so far. The sun will be rising soon....it wears me down. The light....although I tend to hide it....

A young boy awakens and finds himself alone....the blood from the slashes the night before dried upon the sheets. Peeling the cloth from his wrists and chest, he stands to a darkened room, not sure how long he had slept. He wished it was forever....and he had awoke to a new, untainted world. But the sounds of his mother screaming in the background say otherwise...and yet again, he has realized that he is alive in the world where a torrent of hatred for humankind exists quite freely within his soul. The thirst to kill....the lust for blood....how it haunts him. Yet he finds nothing that will suffice...he would never cause pain to another....not wishing for the ones that he cares about to feel what he's feeling...but how can he get close enough to an enemy to cause them pain without recieving some of his own....? The question baffles him...and leaves him in a malestrom of confusion. Awaiting for the day to end, even though it had merely began....such a saddening life....

Hours pass....

The sun sets and leaves him to the dead of night, where he can cry freely. Blood stained fingers and tear soakened cheeks are the only reminders of his pain...and the more he hates it...the more he relishes the feel of the blade....

Such a tragic story....is it not? Mm....I guess I should be going for now, mayhaps I'll be back sometime tonight.

-'The Angel With The Devil's Face Paint'-

"For as much as I love Autumn....I'm giving myself to Ashes...."